Growing up in a family where illness is something you just 'pushed through', I had always seen it as an inconvenience to my life; something I felt annoyed and frustrated with my body about for ‘letting me down’ rather than supporting me to heal. Like most kids I’d get the common colds and flu’s, viral tummy bugs, indigestion, injuries and accidents but would never stop to consider what these were about and that perhaps my body wasn’t fighting me but in fact communicating something that I really needed to hear.
Naturally with this way of thinking when I was hit with a severe case of candida overgrowth at the age of 20 I was only interested in popping strong anti-fungal medication as a quick fix to deal with the issue. Suffering the severe symptoms of chronic thrush, abdominal pain, bloating, chronic pelvic floor pain and extreme fatigue, I was desperate to get back to life as normal, which at that time was all about university, partying and travelling the world; inner contemplation of my choices was definitely not on the agenda.
The wisdom of the body
Thankfully my body in its timeless wisdom and intelligence had a different plan mapped out. It loved me way too much to let me get away with the level of reckless disregard I’d been living in. I needed to feel the full consequence of the choices I’d been making, which were deeply un-loving and dishonouring of the innate preciousness of my delicate body like indulging in alcohol, late nights, loveless sex and eating foods that harmed my body such as gluten, dairy and sugar.
On the surface things may have looked great, I was a seemingly happy, outgoing, bubbly young woman always off on an overseas adventure, but the reality of what was happening underneath that mask was vastly different from what I presented to the world.
I was deeply insecure and fearful of being rejected by people so would spend my life trying to please others and pretending that I wasn't deeply sensitive by putting on the fake smile and positive attitude.
Seeking love from others
This constant 'trying' to win people over exhausted me in so many ways. I became the master chameleon at knowing how to adapt myself to who I was around based on what I thought they wanted me to be - even if it wasn't me. I knew exactly what to say and how to say it to get liked and to fit in, but this constant game of chasing acceptance and validation from others never filled the gap of how little love I had for myself.
Despite having many amazing qualities like playfulness, warmth, wisdom, care, clarity and strength I couldn't recognise or appreciate any of these within myself. The grass was always greener somewhere else. Carrying the false belief that I was never good enough, I'd seek out people that either confirmed or denied this belief, fluctuating between wanting to feel better about myself and beating myself up with the old story that I wasn't worthy of love.
Accepting abuse as normal
This theme of unworthiness played out in all of my relationships - at home, with friends, boyfriends and at work, constantly seeding doubt in my judgement of whether people's behaviour was acceptable or not rather than trusting what I felt.
Things that should have rung alarm bells for me like emotional manipulation, disregard and lack of consideration and care, would be swept under the carpet in an attempt to rationalise them as being ok and normal when in truth they were nowhere near the love that I deserved.
Despite craving to be in relationship with a really loving man I always opted for the emotionally unavailable ones who didn't love, adore or appreciate me for who I was but would instead criticise, knit pick, neglect or refuse to acknowledge the beauty in front of them. What looked nonsensical from the outside, I actually felt far more comfortable being in relationship with these kinds of men than I did the loving ones, as they reflected the sad truth of how I didn’t feel worthy of more.
How hurts harmed my body
Instead of speaking up and expressing the truth of how I felt with people I would pretend to be 'fine', put on the fake smile and swallow the familiar hurts of feeling rejected, abandoned, dishonoured, unappreciated and unsupported. Like a broken record these played out over and over again in my relationships, building up a reservoir of anger, resentment and sadness in my body.
What on a physical level looked to be a simple issue of intestinal flora imbalance, actually had far more to do with the emotional tension I was carrying than anything else; a truth that I came to after eight years of searching for an answer to my my illness through the teachings of Serge Benhayon of Universal Medicine and the Esoteric Healing Therapies.
Having seen thirty odd doctors, specialists and alternative medicine practitioners, Serge was the first person to present illness to me as a very necessary healing and correction from my body to clear the tension of how I'd been living, not as something that needed to be 'fixed'. Suffering extreme levels of chronic pain and discomfort, not to mention the constant fear I lived in that it would never go away, that I'd never enjoy sex again or be in an intimate relationship, this is all I had been desperately focused on achieving.
Committing to healing
Rather than fight against it, my body was asking me to deeply surrender to the illness and to healing the hurts that had created it in the first place, like the feelings of rejection, unworthiness, invisibility and loneliness that had been running in the background dictating all of my choices in life.
With the support of a very loving and insightful Esoteric Healing practitioner and the Esoteric bodywork therapies, I was able to work on clearing these from my body, shedding the layers of the ‘what wasn’t me’ so that I could feel more of what was – someone very powerful and wise, with an incredible ability to read life and people.
Having spent my life being told I was 'too sensitive', the healing sessions helped me to see that this level of sensitivity and awareness was actually a superpower. As I deepened my connection to my body I became far more anchored in life, reading everything going on around me without being thrown around by it all as I once had. The key was observing, not absorbing.
The power of honesty
Trusting more in this ability to read what's really going on, I started speaking up
in my relationships, expressing the truth of how I felt and calling things out that didn't feel right. Working through a process of re-imprinting old patterns of playing nice, pleasing and running from confrontation, bit by bit I became more empowered in all of my relationships, letting go of the old masks and being far more real, honest and vulnerable with everyone.
Having confronted my greatest fears that my friends and family would freak out, shut down or push me away, I was actually pleasantly surprised by how open people were to the level of transparency I was now bringing. My willingness to be vulnerable gave them permission to do the same. People that had once held up walls around their heart would melt in my company, opening up about how they felt and often having a good cry. The ripple effect was working.
Living the real me
Having spent my whole life not feeling good enough and desperately seeking acceptance, validation and recognition from those around me, this incredible process of healing offered me an entirely different perspective and relationship with myself. I no longer hated my sensitivity but embraced it, as I did my ability to see and express truth and my innate joy and vivaciousness in life.
Everything was there and always had been, I just needed to give myself full permission to be me - the real, authentic, raw and exquisitely vulnerable me.
The miracles that unfolded from this transformation were nothing short of magical; all of my physical symptoms of chronic thrush, abdominal pain, bloating, chronic pelvic floor pain and extreme fatigue all disappeared, I felt engaged and purposeful in my new career as a complementary Health practitioner, all of my relationships flourished and I felt something that I'd never experienced before - a deep level of care, love and acceptance for myself. I knew and know every day that whatever happens, whoever I'm with or not that I always have me and the consistency of that love, a true 'rock' in life.